The Day of Surgery

I remember feeling sick and then feeling like I wanted that day to have never came or to hurry and end with good results, but as we all know to well time does not move at our desires. I remember them telling me to go see Ashlynn before they took her back and I felt this urge to hold her, I kept telling myself to be strong, don't cry this time when you look at her. Just be strong Sarah and you will take her home soon... Well, I went into the NICU and seen my baby girl, sprawled out in an incubator, I cried, the only thing that kept going trough my head was what if she doesn't come out of surgery?? I will have never kissed, touched, smell, or hold my baby before she has no more air in her lungs. (I am the type of person who prepares for the worst but expects the best). I cried even harder and then they told me it was time and that the doctors would let me know how everything went and when I could see my daughter post op. Ashlynn's surgery started at 12pm. I waited and waited, I felt like a nervous break down was coming, what do I do? I can't eat, sleep or focus on anything, but making sure I could pump enough breast milk for her was all I had. I mean I had to feed my baby. I called back at 2:45pm, I mean the doctors said she would be out by 2pm and I could see her at 2:30pm. I got a simple, she's ok we will call soon by a nurse.. Well here came 4:30pm, I called and received the same calm answer. I continued every 2 hours, until 9pm hit and I went hysterical. I called my husband, I was still a patient, and was on the verge of a nervous break down. He arrived and went straight to the NICU and demanded to speak with someone. I sat in my wheelchair fighting tears and horrible images and thoughts. Ashlynn's doctor came and spoke to us, explaining that Ashlynn had an allergic reaction to the epidural and that she had stopped breathing on her own and was unresponsive. They had to revive her once and they had been trying to discover why she still could not breath on her own. I was in shock, all my worst fears are coming true. He also explained that her case was more sever then they had thought and planned for. Not only did they corrected the Duodenal Atresia, but they had to untwist her bowels and remove her appendix. Oh my gosh, and I was numb again. The next 24 hours was going to be the indicator of what to expect of Ashlynn's life span. I was told to prepare for the worst. She pulled out that long 24 hours, she struggled and fought hard. It took them 2 weeks to get her to breath on her own and 3 weeks for her to come off of the Nitrogen. She was not allowed to eat, so she was given an IV and fed fat lipids. She went from being a baby doll at 5lbs 3ozs, to a sick puny 3lbs 4ozs. I was frozen emotionally with fear. The day I was discharged was most difficult because your baby is suppose to go home with you, what do I do now I asked myself?